a rock & a hard place

sorry for the absense of personal stuff on my blog lately…been spending all my time trying to sort that out.

so wonderful not to be in school anymore and to come home everyday and not worry about homework…but now its time to figure out what’s next and that’s not so easy. i wish i was 16 again, because leaving everything and going to boarding school was a lot easier and less frightening than leaving everything behind now.

there are two things that i clearly know i want out of my future career. for it to take place mainly from home and for it to not involve sitting at a desk all day. i need to be creative. i should be able to have a career that utilizes this. i want to take pictures of families and people in love. and i want to sell the things i make. that’s all. i don’t want to sit at a desk and do other people’s work for them. not that there’s anything wrong with this – it just sounds like slow death to me. i dont understand why i went to college to get a 7.50 an hour job. that was useful. especially when i would have rather not gone in the first place. but it’s too late for that – that ship has sailed. i got the credentials, now what.  starting a business is a marathon not a sprint. i understand that. but what do i do in the mean time and how do you prevent this meantime from lasting 10,15, 20 years. that’s scary. it’s not that i want to be lazy and sit at home and do nothing. that’s really not it. i just want to do what i love. i just need to convince more people to let me take their pictures.you just have to get noticed.  and then what about the boy. we don’t live in the same city. i don’t want to leave mine nor he his. he has an excellent job, i don’t want him to leave that. but we can’t keep dating far apart, it won’t last. i know it. i don’t want to be a photographer in a big city. cities scare me. i don’t even like driving as it is.  the best solution i have for this is compromise. half way between. now to get him to agree…

i just need something to happen. something to fall into place. to let me know which way to go . to let me sleep at night.